Should I Attend My Friend's Same-Sex Wedding?

by Sam Parkison \ June 17, 2015

With the ever-shifting tides of social norms in America, Christian Millennials will need to answer questions that haven’t really been asked in previous eras. This, of course, is not unique to Millennials; each generation faces its own sets of advantages and challenges. One of the unique questions that Millennials will need to answer is, “Will you be attending (insert gay friend or family member’s name here) ‘wedding’?” Obviously, every age group will have some proximity to this question, but the Millennials are the ones who are living in the midst of this cultural change. It’s our friends who are getting “married.” We’re the ones being asked to be best men and maids of honor. Our generation is the first “same-sex marriage” generation.

Given that this glaring reality is staring Millennials in the face, I think it’s appropriate for Christian Millennials to think carefully through this issue, and the implications of our various responses. Clearly this is a hot-button issue, and experience has already shown me that saying anything about this subject is bound to start a firestorm of controversy. But I believe that, when Christians are asked to attend a same-sex “wedding,” their response should be to humbly, lovingly, decline.

Why not go?

The most fundamental reason is that such a “wedding” is no wedding at all. As Christians, the Bible is our final authority for faith and practice, especially with regard to topics that it itself explicitly addresses; and the Bible pretty explicitly addresses marriage. It is the covenant union between one man and one woman, joined together by God himself (Genesis 2:18-25, Matthew 19:3-9, Ephesians 5:22-33). The legal union between two people of the same sex may be something, but it will never be marriage. Marriage is something that has been established by God into the very fabric of reality itself; and legislation can’t possibly touch it.

Now, at this point some might be tempted to bring up Romans 13. Aren’t we supposed to be subject to our governing authorities? My answer is yes, but only within the sphere that our governing authority has sovereignty over. If I turn on the television to discover that congress has passed a bill to annul the law of gravity, I’m not going to celebrate by walking off the building. Why? Because congress has no authority over the law of gravity. That law is outside of congress’ jurisdiction.The same is true with regard to marriage; it’s an untouchable reality. No sooner could congress establish a law that triangles have four angles. So (as R.C. Sproul Jr. has so helpfully pointed out) to attend such an event is to encourage the delusion of those involved.

But what’s even worse, to attend a same-sex “wedding” is to celebrate sin.

Let’s use another example; imagine for a moment that our culture was to descend into such depravity that people start throwing “Porn-subscription Parties.” Imagine you get an invitation in the mail that reads, “John Doe would like to cordially invite you to celebrate his subscription to Extra-X Porn company: the party will be held at…” Now, even if there’s no porn being watched at this imaginary party, I should like to think that Christians would know to decline such an invitation. Why? Because the invitation is to “celebrate his subscription” to sin. “I don’t want to celebrate that!” ought to be our response. Or worse yet, imagine it’s a wedding between a 40-year-old man and 9-year-old girl. With both of these situations, the answer is (I think) clear; we don’t want to celebrate sin.

Yet celebration is exactly what we do when we attend weddings. We are there to solemnize and affirm the union; it’s a joyous occasion. That’s why traditional weddings has that part in there that says, “If anyone has any objections to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace;” the silence that follows is the affirmation of the union. However, if the Bible is right about sin, the “wedding” of a same-sex couple is not a joyous occasion. It’s a tragedy! What is the Christian attendee supposed to do when the official says, “I now pronounce you husband and husband”? Is he to clap? Is he to weep? As a Christian, I don’t believe there’s any way to reconcile the inconsistency of his disapproval of what’s happening and his presence there as an attendee. The purpose of the event is to fundamentally celebrate sin, and Christians simply can’t do that.

Can’t we use it for evangelism?

This is the million-dollar question, isn’t it? What if I go there to show the love of Jesus; to show some grace? I can certainly empathize with this impulse. After all, didn’t Jesus hang out with sinners? Didn’t Paul say that it’s not the sexually immoral of this world that we’re to distance ourselves from; insinuating that we should associate with them? Not only that, but Paul even says, “I have become all things to all people, that by all means I might save some.” (1 Corinthians 9:22).

However, I think we might be hasty to assume that these examples give us license to attend a celebration of sin. First of all, there’s no reason to believe that Jesus was in any way overlooking or affirming the sins of the sinners he was hanging around. In fact, his habit was to tell them to stop sinning.

Additionally, there is a huge difference between associating with sinners and affirming their sins. If a non-believing gay friend asks you to attend his birthday party, you should most definitely go! Why? Because the birthday party is not intrinsically a celebration of sin, but his “wedding” is. We should remember that the Paul who instructs us to associate with sexually immoral of this world--who became “all things to all people, that by all means [he] might save some--is the same Paul who strictly forbade Roman Christians to join in the pagan drinking parties (which would turn into orgies) which were prevalent in their particular culture (Romans 13:13-14). Why? Because becoming all things to all people does not involve the celebration of all peoples’ sin.

But even more fundamentally, a Christian’s presence at a same-sex “wedding” is actually not helping his witness; it’s hurting it. A Christian who attends a same-sex “wedding” may think he’s bringing the gospel, but he’s actually undermining it. How is this? Well, let’s just define our terms for a moment. The gospel is the good news of what Jesus has accomplished with his life, death, and resurrection. What makes the Gospel good news is the bad news of sin; that our sin brings upon us the rightful wrath of God. The good news is the free grace of God, righteously satisfing his wrath for our sin by nailing it to the cross in Jesus Christ. It’s the forgiveness which was purchased by the blood of Jesus, which is rendered to those who are reconciled to Christ by faith and repentance.

In other words, the Gospel is only sweet to those who consider the taste of sin to be bitter. Jesus says, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” (Luke 5:31-32) A sinner will never repent if he sees no sin to repent of. A sick man will never seek a physician if he thinks himself to be healthy. Paul says, “Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God.” (2 Corinthians 5:20) When we beg people to be reconciled to God, we are presupposing that reconciliation is necessary.

So when we refuse to identify sin--with our words or with our actions--we’re not actually being “gospel-centered.” No, we’re actually robbing the gospel of its potency. The crucifixion was not God’s way of ignoring sin. The very worst thing that could possibly be said about our sin was said there, “Your sin is so heinous,” the blood of Jesus cries out, “that the only thing that can atone for it is divine blood.” The notion that Jesus ignored the sin of those he interacted with, in the name of love, goes against the foundational Christian concept of the atonement. Love was demonstrated by not ignoring sin.

Grace is only for sinners. It’s actually quite unloving to encourage people in the very activity that will send them to hell, when we in fact herald the only message that can save them; a message that needs both halves (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).

The problem with cool-shaming

Now, all of this sounds difficult because what we want is to develop significant relationships with our non-believing friends, and we know that all of this would not go over well in a coffee-conversation with them. However, that’s not the determining factor for whether or not we are being effective witnesses to our gay friends. So often, we think that having a great witness is to be well thought of by non-believers; and in fact, that is something we should strive for, insofar as we are able. However, often I think that us Millennials justify our incredible lust for the approval of our non-believing peers by calling it “striving for a good witness.” Our worst nightmare is to be called an intolerant bigot; we’re terrified of being labeled a fundamentalist.

But listen, that’s where our strength is found. I’m not saying our strength is found in being a bigot; I’m saying that it’s found in saying the sort of thing that actually offends people. This is the beauty of God’s ironic process; he ordains to save sinners in the most counter-intuitive way: offending them. It pleased God through “the folly of what we preach to save sinners” (1 Corinthians 1:18-31).

We need to reconcile with the fact, right now, that we will never be “cool” in the eyes of this world. For Christian Millennials, this pill can be too hard to swallow; we want to have our cake and eat it too. But 2 Corinthians 2:14-17 makes it pretty clear that this will never happen. The fragrance we give off as Christians will always smell sweet to some, and horrible to others. The Holy Spirit is the only one who can possibly convict sinners of sin, and turn the repulsive, foolish message we preach into good news for them. But our job is simple; we are heralds. We are impartial. We proclaim that sinners need salvation from their sin, and that God has provided it in the person and work of His Son. We give off the aroma of Christ, and we let the chips fall where they may.

We will never experience the delight of being the sweet aroma of life to those who are being saved until we’re willing to be the stench of death to those who are perishing.

So please, don’t undermine the gospel you bring to your gay friends by being inconsistent with it. Lovingly decline, and may it serve as an opportunity to share with them the same good news that brought you from death to life.

Sam Parkison

Samuel G. Parkison is the author of Revelation and Response: The Why and How of Leading Corporate Worship through Song. He is also a Regular Contributor to For The Church and is a Ph.D. student at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Samuel lives in Kansas City with his wife (Shannon) and their two sons (Jonah and Henry), where Samuel serves as a Pastor of Teaching and Liturgy at Emmaus Church.

Source: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/should-i-attend-my-friends-same-sex-wedding

Why I Stopped Watching Porn

by Ran Gavrieli ℅ TED

"For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. Therefore, consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry, for it is because of these things that the wrath of God will come upon the sons of disobedience, and in them you also once walked, when you were living in them." ~ (Colossians 3:3-7)

First off, this video is not outrightly theological. But the truth is that most everything in life is theological, we just fail to realize it - or we'd rather not bother as a result of the corruption from the curse. With that, gone are the days of headlines bemoaning the porn addiction problem especially in the church. It's assumed that "the person we're having dinner with has just recently consumed pornography." (quote from the video)

Porn is a REAL problem. Here's why. Have you ever thought of it as visual prostitution? We certainly wouldn't patron a prostitute physically or dare condone prostitution due to its underlying causes and influences, but pornography is the same as engaging a prostitute and the grotesque sex industry. Only, it's done in the mind. I once had such intense hunger for pornography, starting when I was just 9 years old. It went on for three years until I became a Christian, and a busy one at that, thanks be to God. Many across the globe - especially those with smart devices - are overcome and responsive to the same craving.

Once more, this video is not a spiritual stimulation but definitely a call to think in detail, about the choices people are making to become entangled with easily accessible sex - or prostitution. For me, this is a call to confront (much the same way as I) those who may be engaged with this "evil desire." May we regard porn for what it is and restrict it to its rightful place: Morally [& Spiritually] Illegal.

Sexual Destruction

By R.C. Sproul Jr. | Ligonier Ministries Blog

                      This post by R.C. Sproul Jr. is a significant post that articulates succinctly my most recent frustrations with the distractions of ministry. Having been involved in Christian Ministry for 23 years now, I have been a part of many hip and fresh church plants. These churches, carrying the legacy of our churches’ ancestors champion the care and mitigation of gross socially accepted sins. Take slavery and John Newton for example.  “With the message that forgiveness and redemption are possible regardless of sins committed and that the soul can be delivered from despair through the mercy of God, Amazing Grace is one of the most recognizable songs in the English-speaking world."1 John Newton penned and arranged this timeless piece in a response to his convictions against his alcoholism and involvement in the slave trade. Fast forward to where our churches are today and they must deal with even larger present tragedies, so much so that we have adopted a colloquialism summing up our endless battle - the "flavor of the month."

Though human trafficking, abortion, domestic abuse, hunger, and a plethora of tragic issues bombard this fallen world, these ills often catch and clamor the modern churches' attention, inadvertently deceive appropriate attention away from our primary concern against sin – sin harbored in the so called born-again Christian's soul. God is calling us to be holy, not human. This is most vividly displayed in the epidemic of sexual sin that ravages ministry after ministry, thus effectively impeding momentum, which should characterize the local church. On the other hand, you could think of this as the forgotten war on sin.

The War on Terror raged through two separate fronts simultaneously: one in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. In Iraq, Operation Iraqi Freedom was pooled with superior resources while in Afghanistan – the epicenter of the terrorist cesspool known as Al Qaeda responsible for the 9/11/01 attacks – quickly became known as the forgotten war, until people finally woke up 7 years later and shifted resources and attention to make the main issue the main issue. But it was too late. Our modern church is in danger of committing the same buffoonery and slow reactiveness. If the U.S. government (at the time) had focused full resources initially and primarily on Afghanistan, terrorism would effectively have been defeated. R.C. Sproul says it better than I can. Here goes:

The serpent is more crafty than any of the beasts of the field. He attacks while retreating, retreating while attacking. He concedes this point, all the while making that point. He is both a tar baby and quicksilver. And we are fools for forgetting it.

Consider, if you will, the battles that have dotted the evangelical landscape over the past thirty years. We had lordship salvation, integrationist psychology, seeker sensitive worship, Jabez, WWJD, Promise Keepers, Harold Camping, y2k and a host of other end of the world scenarios, charismatic gifts, modalist elephants, and in one tiny circle of the evangelical world, federal vision, Shepherdism and the New Perspective.

Most of these issues are or were important. There are right answers and wrong answers, and wrong ideas have bad consequences. What if, however, the devil’s goal was less to encourage us to end up on the wrong side of these issues, and more to distract us from more damaging issues? What if some of these were false fronts, and we left sundry other flanks exposed? What if while we were all scratching our heads the devil was dropping our drawers?

Though there are competing studies, some more alarming than others, the hard truth is that evangelicals are sleeping with partners to whom they are not married. Hundreds of thousands of them, with barely a word even spoken. How many churches, for instance, have a reputation for preaching against fornication? How many denominations are known as those that take adultery seriously? I suspect when church historians in the next millennia look back at our age they may just define us as that group that gave up on sex. We could not remain relevant and faithful to the Word on sex, and we chose relevant. It would be bad enough if we had allowed ourselves to be swept up in the culture’s sexual tsunami. But the truth is worse—we have failed to be salt and light. It is less that we are worse off because we are like them, more they are worse off because they are like us.

The result is not merely immorality. The trouble with not keeping your pants on isn’t that you offend that great Prude in the sky. The problem is that it leads to death (Proverbs 7:27). How many of our grievous social ills trace their roots to the lie that we can have sex outside marriage with no great consequence? To put it another way, what would this world look like if there were no more adultery and fornication? Because families would be intact, ghettoes and the pathologies that come with them would fade away. The murder rate would drop precipitously. Little boys would grow up with fathers, and when grown would be fathers, working and providing for their own families. Little girls would grow up knowing they were loved by their daddies, and would be secure. Sexually transmitted diseases would go the way of polio. Sexual trafficking would be but a shameful memory.

Best of all, babies would be safe in their mother’s wombs. The murder of babies, which is no mere social ill but is our greatest shame, would wither from the scene.

That is not the world we live in. For two reasons. First, we have come to believe that sexual sins have little reach. Wrong we’re willing to confess. Dangerous we are willing to consider. Destroying our world? No, not that. The pathway to death? That’s just biblical hyperbole. Second, and perhaps the cause of the folly of the first, we won’t preach against this because then people won’t come to church. We think it more important to not drive anyone away, to not lose one giving unit, than to see the power of the Word preached to change the world. We sold our prophetic birthright for a mess of relevance pottage.

Faithful biblical preaching recognizes that theology doesn’t stop with our minds. Faithful biblical preaching preaches the whole of the Bible, and calls out our sins, even if the world thinks them not sins at all. I pray a day will come when we say of this pastor or that, “You ought to download his sermons. He preaches sin. He’s a marriage-ist.” I pray a day will come when one believer will say to another, “I was reading Spurgeon the other day, and he got after it. I had no idea that guy preached fidelity.” I pray, with Paul, a day will come when sexual sin is so faithfully preached against that it will not be named once among us (Ephesians 5:3). It matters, eternally.

Source: 

1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amazing_Grace 

http://www.ligonier.org/blog/sexual-destruction/

40 Things Husbands Should Stop Doing

by Dave Boehi

Sometimes we need encouragement in our quest to step up and be the men God has called us to be.  Sometimes we need information, and sometimes we need training.  Sometimes we need a mentor—someone who will show us how to be godly men, how to love our wives as Christ loves the church. 

And sometimes we need to know what we should stop doing.  Sometimes we may even need someone to say, “Hey, stop acting like a jerk!”

That’s what this list is about. 

Earlier this year we ran a popular article in The Family Room titled, “15 Things Wives Should Stop Doing.”  Several readers asked for a similar list for husbands, so we gathered suggestions from a number of men.  Here are 40 of the best ideas.  Of course, not all of these items apply to all men.  But perhaps something here will hit home for you.

1. Stop acting like the battle is won in pursuing and getting to know your wife. Have fun together, just like you used to do before you walked down the aisle.

2. If your wife is a stay-at-home mom, stop treating her like her work during the day is somehow less strenuous or less important than yours.

3. Stop coming home from work and plopping in front of the television for the night, leaving your wife to bear the responsibility for everything else going on in the home.

4. Stop working so much. Find a healthy balance between work and family.  Your wife would rather have you than a big house, nice car, etc.

5. Stop acting like you’re listening when you’re really watching TV.

6. Stop allowing the spiritual leadership of the family to default to your wife.

7. Stop being passive when it comes to disciplining and training your kids.

8. Stop saying you know and understand what your wife is saying or feeling when you haven’t even listened to what she has to say.

9. Stop being a closed book.  Open up to your wife.  Don’t be afraid to show emotion.

10. Stop allowing your role as leader in the home to be an excuse for selfish behavior.  Don’t forget that a true leader also serves. 

11. Stop dishonoring your wife by criticizing her in front of your children or in public.

12. When you wife irritates you, don’t answer right away. Instead count to 10 and remember that she is a gift from God.

13. Stop using your size and strength and anger to intimidate your wife and children.

14. Stop using the word “divorce” in your vocabulary.

15. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations with your wife.

16. Stop saying you’ll do something and then procrastinating.

17. Don’t purchase any major item without first discussing it with your wife.

18. It’s impossible not to notice beautiful women who pass by.  But don’t allow your eyes to linger.  (And if your wife is with you, don’t lie to her and say you didn’t see that woman.  Just admit you looked.)

19. Stop thinking, I know more than my wife. You and your wife will each have more knowledge than the other in certain areas.

20. Don’t assume you know what your wife is thinking. Ask her how she is feeling and why.

21. When your wife tells you about a problem she’s having, don’t immediately try to solve it. She may just need you to listen to her.

22. Stop the sarcasm.  You may be trying to sound funny, but you’re only cutting down your wife.

23. Stop treating your wife like a child. Remember that God has given her a wealth of experience and information that you need.

24. Stop acting like God and trying to control your wife. 

25. Stop pointing out her mistakes and asking for explanations. Doing these things can make her feel like a failure.

26. Never casually or disrespectfully talk to other guys about sex with your wife.

27. Stop telling your wife that she is supposed to “submit” to you.  If she is not following you, that means you’re not leading her as Christ loves the church.

28. Stop feeding your sexual desires from any source other than your wife.

29. Don’t be alone with any woman who is not your wife or related to you.

30. Stop discussing deep-level issues with a woman who is not your wife or related to you.

31. Stop deceiving your wife about your finances.

32. Don’t look up old girlfriends on Facebook.

33. Stop putting a number on how often you should enjoy sexual intimacy.

34. Stop acting as if you have a GPS programmed into your brain.  Before you go somewhere with your wife, get the right address and find out how to get there.  If you are lost, don’t hesitate to get directions—from your smartphone map, even from a person. 

35. Don’t make fun of your wife to other guys.

36. Don’t allow guy-only activities (like playing golf, basketball, etc.) to rob you of leisure time with your wife and kids.

37. Stop expecting your wife to do all the housework. 

38. Stop saying, “Honey … can you get the kids to be quiet?” when the kids are being monsters. Get up and go quiet them down yourself!

39. Stop putting all your stuff in the laundry basket and then acting as if you “did the laundry.”

40. Stop acting like picking up a gallon of milk is equal to the martyrdom of St. Stephen.

Some will say that lists like these are “too negative”—that this is an example of “trashing” men.  Here’s how I see it:  If you are coaching your son’s Little League team, you’re going to teach him a lot of positives—how to hit, how to throw, what base he should throw to when there are runners on first and second.  But you also will need to get him to stop doing things—like swinging at bad pitches, or jogging to first base instead of sprinting. 

Sometimes we need to know what not to do.

Is there's anything you’d like to add to the list? 

Navigate to the source and consider some of the comments posted by other readers.  God is just and we must be imitators of Him.

Source: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/husbands/40-things-husbands-should-stop-doing#.ULp9TpPjnrE

Plugging In (Part 3)

Setting Boundaries for Mobile Technology

by Dave Boehi

4June2012

This is the final installment of a three-part series. Read part one and part two.

"After I wrote recently about the ways new technology (cell phones, iPads, internet, etc.) are changing the way we relate to each other, one reader wrote to say, “I completely agree with the technology issues. It just sucks us in. I have been staying with my sister for a few months to help with a new baby and her husband sits on the couch with his iPod touch, Kindle, or tablet almost all night after work.”
She described a husband and father who remained glued to his devices at dinner and “into the wee hours of the night.” He yelled at his 1-year-old son if he dared to interrupt his concentration. “He claims to be a Christian, yet does not fulfill his role as husband or father, except to provide food and a place to sleep, and is angry a lot.”
Many of you could tell stories similar to this. It’s not that the technology is inherently bad. Far from it—it helps us connect with people in many positive ways. The problem is that so many people are unable to control it. “Technology is replacing our godly relationships!” another reader wrote. “Our electronic communication has become an easy way to escape genuine communication.”
Household rules
Many readers wrote about the boundaries they were implementing in their families to promote face-to-face communication. Here are some highlights:
1. No devices at the dinner table.   This was mentioned many times in emails. Dinner time should be reserved for conversation. One reader wrote, “I totally agree that we are losing the ability to communicate on a verbal level due to the technology that is so prevalent. Not long ago at a family gathering, there were five adults sitting around the dining table (where we used to have spirited discussions). Three of the five were playing games and/or texting—therefore saying nothing verbally. It saddened me to see this happening.”
One family calls this rule “TTT—Timeout from Technology at the Table.”
2. No phones at the restaurant.  “My husband and I have made a deal for date nights,” wrote one wife. “He is way too plugged in to TV and his phone. Therefore when we are out at restaurants we are not allowed to use our phones unless it is a call from the babysitter.  Also we do not go to restaurants that have televisions because he will be too distracted, and I will be mad that he is not totally engaged.  We all need to find time daily to disconnect from all the information and reconnect with our families with good ‘old fashioned’ conversation.”
Another reader said she and her husband leave their cell phones in the car before they enter a restaurant.
3. No texting someone when you’re both at home—or in the same room. Don’t laugh—it happens all the time, especially with teenagers. “My 18-year-old son will text me from upstairs or another room in the house with a question and I refuse to answer him unless he actually comes and asks me,” wrote one mom.   
4. No texting or talking about really important personal issues over the phone. This should be done face-to-face, unless it is something that can't wait. One reader said, “There is a huge gap in a 'conversation' when texting because you don't really fully understand what that person really means unless you hear the tone in their voice or see their face and a lot can be taken the wrong way, creating bad feelings, etc.”
5. Regulate use of devices on vacations. Some parents, for example, don’t allow kids to use cell phones while riding in the car, and they limit the use of DVDs. This forces the family to interact with each other. 
For adults, vacations can be a difficult time to unplug from work when email and messages are just a click away. One reader said of a recent vacation, “It was hard to get ‘unconnected’ even for a few days. But I am having to learn that it's okay to leave your phone at home and not have to go everywhere with it. Who cares if you don't reply to every text or email right away?”
Love the one you’re with
Boundaries like these establish a strong family value: When you’re with someone, that relationship is your priority. Retraining will take some time if you, your spouse, or your children have become addicted to your devices. But keeping them in their rightful place will, in the words of one reader, “open up the door to more intimate communication with your spouse and family.”
I also liked the comment from a reader who pointed out, “Anything that becomes a necessity has the ability to become an idol.” In other words, you can become so attached to your smartphone that it basically becomes the most important thing in your life: “If you can’t live without a gadget … throw it away.  If a gadget is absorbing most of your leisure time … throw it away!” 
“Life is too short.  Let’s not invest what little time we have in meaningless endeavors.”
---
Source: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/media-and-entertainment/setting-boundaries-for-mobile-technology?utm_campaign=mm-20120604&utm_source=CON&utm_medium=email-n&utm_content=Link-Header-Trouble_reading

Plugged-In (Part 2)

Are We Replacing Conversation With Connectivity?

Technology is changing so quickly that most of us are barely aware of how our behavior is changing.

by Dave Boehi

You’re driving down a city street and find yourself stuck behind someone going 15 mph below the speed limit.  What’s your first thought?  That guy needs to get off his cell phone!
You’re sitting in the stands at a high school football game.  You notice that many of the students are not only ignoring the game but they’re also ignoring the friends seated beside them—instead they are busy texting other friends.
You walk through an airport concourse and notice a man pacing back and forth, waving his hands while he talks on his cell phone in a voice that bounces off the walls 30 yards away.  You think, That’s why I hope they never allow people to make calls with their cell phones on a flight.
Sound familiar?  In the last 15 years the cell phone has conquered the world.  I could make a list of 50 ways these phones have improved our lives.   But if you’re like me and can remember what life was like before we all got cell phones, you may wonder if all the changes are really for the good.
Remember those days when you could go to a movie—or to church—and not worry about being distracted by ringing phones or by the white glow of someone texting a friend?  Remember when meetings at work weren’t interrupted by phone calls that people just had to accept?
And here’s one more scene we all see regularly:
You walk into a restaurant and you notice a couple seated near you.  And you notice that they really are not enjoying this opportunity to be together, because one is patiently waiting for the other to stop talking or texting on the cell phone.  And you think, How sad that they aren’t talking to each other.
Adjusting to a new technology is nothing new.  Electricity, automobiles, telephones, radio, television, computers, and many other new inventions sparked significant changes in our culture and in the way we related to our spouses, our children, and our friends.  But the pace of change since 1995 has been breathtaking.  We’ve seen the emergence of the internet and of mobile phones, and then the convergence of the two.  We can now be plugged in wherever we are, 24/7.
The technology is evolving so quickly that most of us are barely aware of how our behavior is changing.  But we’re starting to wake up.  Over the last couple years I’ve noticed an increasing number of articles and books on topics like, “Is Google Making Us Stupid?”, “Attached to Technology and Paying a Price”, and “Is Facebook Making Us Lonely?”.
An interesting article that caught my attention recently is, “The Flight from Conversation,” an opinion piece in the New York Times.  Sherry Turkle, an author and professor at MIT, writes of her concern that our new ability to connect easily through the web and through cell phones is causing many to forget the importance of conversation in developing a strong relationship.
Over the past 15 years, I’ve studied technologies of mobile connection and talked to hundreds of people of all ages and circumstances about their plugged-in lives.  I’ve learned that the little devices most of us carry around are so powerful that they change not only what we do, but also who we are. …
Human relationships are rich; they’re messy and demanding.  We have learned the habit of cleaning them up with technology.  And the move from conversation to connection is part of this.  But it’s a process in which we shortchange ourselves.  Worse, it seems that over time we stop caring; we forget that there is a difference.
We are tempted to think that our little “sips” of online connection add up to a big gulp of real conversation.  But they don’t.  E-mail, Twitter, Facebook, all of these have their places—in politics, commerce, romance and friendship.  But no matter how valuable, they do not substitute for conversation.
The drift from conversation to connectivity—from “talking to texting”—should be a concern for any married couple and for any parent.  Other technologies—particularly television—have distracted us from conversation for many years, but recent advances give us the option to replace it.  And how can you develop and maintain a strong relationship with your spouse or anyone else in your family if you aren’t talking to each other?
Some parents are starting to wonder whether their teenage children—obsessively focused on texting—are falling behind in their verbal and relational skills.  Turkle writes, “A 16-year-old boy who relies on texting for almost everything says almost wistfully, ‘Someday, someday, but certainly not now, I’d like to learn how to have a conversation.’”  Think he may need to learn that little skill before he gets married?
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Source: http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/life-issues/challenges/media-and-entertainment/are-we-replacing-conversation-with-connectivity

Plugging In (Part 1)

Where Is Technology Driving Us?
by Dave Boehi

Image courtesy of http://www.onlinecollegemoms.com/wp-content/uploads/technology_evolution.jpg

"Technology drives me crazy" by Dave Boehi

I wouldn’t call it a “love-hate” relationship. Perhaps it’s “love-fear.”

On one hand, we love our new technology—our smartphones, our iPads, our laptops. We love the connection these devices give us to information and to people.

Yet many of us also fear what this new technology can do to people. We've seen how it can dominate their lives and sabotage their relationships.

When I wrote of these sweeping changes in my last column, it seemed to touch a nerve. “These mobile devices can take over your life,” wrote one reader in an email. Another said, “I understand technology has its advantages, but we are being ruled by the technology rather than using it as a tool.”

Another wrote, “It’s too easy to disconnect using technology. We all know of the people who check out from life by absorbing themselves in TV. Now we have the internet and cell phones and gaming systems to draw them further into non-reality but yet sooth them with the illusion of being connected or productive somehow.”

Some readers told sad stories about the growing isolation in their marriages:

•  “I'm usually the spouse waiting for my husband to get off the cell, iPad, instagram, text messaging, Facebook, or some other game that has him hooked. I'm tired of having my conversations through text messages and would enjoy an old-fashioned conversation face to face. But the truth is we barely have anything to say to each other anymore.” 
• “My husband and I have struggled for the last 25 years of our marriage with conversation, but what has happened now is Facebook has taken over. If dinner isn't ready when he comes home, he's on Facebook until it is. Every morning he gets up and hits Facebook to see who's been on. Sadly he does not see it as an issue. And I fear I am not alone in this.” 
• “I am one of those people at the restaurant with her spouse, waiting and feeling lonely. My husband is always looking at his phone, checking his email or his bank account, his Facebook, and his texts. I just sit waiting and thinking to myself, ‘Why am I not good enough for him? Why does he have to be entertained by everyone and everything else?’ It deeply depresses me and he just cannot understand my point of view.” 

And many readers expressed their concern about the effects on the next generation. “Technology drives me crazy,” one said. “We had to limit our daughter’s texting as she was sending more than 12,000 a month and they were completely senseless.”

Others wrote:

•  “I have a 16-year-old son who has no idea how to have a conversation with a girl. He can text all night long, but take that privilege away and he is lost.” 
• “Co-workers and I talk all the time about how this new generation has no idea how to carry on a conversation.” 
• “Our young people in society may be technologically savvier than the prior generations, but they are also socially illiterate when it comes to common courtesy and manners.” 

And then there was the man who told about his son and girlfriend who “met, fell in love, and have maintained a long distance relationship almost exclusively through texting.” During their six-month relationship they’ve only seen each other three times. “I keep wondering if you can really know someone with such poor communication,” he wrote. “I just see no way this could really prepare them to do life together.”

Some people gravitate toward texting or Twitter for communication just as they did years ago toward email—it’s simpler, faster, easier. What they don’t realize is that too much is lost in those mediums—emotion, facial expressions, tone of voice, and much more. One woman wrote about problems in her marriage: “… many arguments occur because of something that was texted and was misunderstood by one of us. Today my husband texted me after refusing to have a conversation last night. I thought the tone of his text was ugly and didn't respond. Later he texted me asking why I didn't respond and I said I would rather talk than text because texting can be misunderstood. His response was ‘I enjoy texting. Speak message. Little emotion. Can get right to point.’"

What a classic quote, and so typically male: “I enjoy texting. Speak message. Little emotion. Can get right to point.” The problem is that real relationships require real conversation and real emotion.

“When we text, email, Facebook, and the like, we lose a vital piece of relationships: the emotional connection,” wrote another reader. “Without the sound of our voices, the body language, the touch, we as humans lose what God intended to be a vital part of how we are supposed to relate and a vital part of how we are supposed to receive love and be in communion with others.”
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What will you do about this dilemma in your home? Don't let this problem dwell in your midst.

For God's glory.

Ten Ideas To Make Time For My Wife

10 Ideas to Make Time for Your Spouse

by Mary May Larmoyeux

The following 10 ideas can help you and me intentionally make time for our spouse:

1. Cultivate a common interest. Your spouse should be your best friend, and friends enjoy spending time with one another. If you and your spouse have different hobbies, find something that you both enjoy doing and do it together. You may want to go bike riding, walk together at the end of a long day, play tennis, or learn how to ballroom dance. Shared experiences enrich marriages and deepen friendship.

“I realized that our relationship had to be a higher priority than my hobbies,” says FamilyLife President Dennis Rainey of his early days of marriage. “Barbara and I had to decide what we wanted to be at the end of our lives—two people who had grown old together as partners or two people who had grown old alone.”

2. Have a regular date night. If you don’t have a relative nearby who would gladly watch your kids, then consider swapping babysitting with a friend on a regular basis. For example, you would watch their kids on the first Friday of every month and they would watch your kids on the second Saturday of every month.

With a little imagination, you can also plan some great dates at home … not only while the kids are sleeping, but also while they are enjoying pizza or watching a special movie.

3. Try new adventures together. We only live this life once. Try doing something different to force yourself out of the rut of normal day-to-day living. If you and your spouse would like to do something a little more daring, consider activities such as skydiving, scuba diving, mountain climbing, etc.

“When my husband, Jim, and I said, ‘I do’ 37 years ago, I never envisioned myself camping on a budget or whizzing through the countryside on the back of a motorcycle,” LaRue Launius says. “And Jim never imagined himself thousands of feet up in the air. But God has used these experiences, and countless others, to gradually knit our hearts together as best friends.”

4. Write love letters to one another and read them over a romantic dinner. Writing letters is almost a lost art form today. You may want to redeem it by regularly expressing your love to your spouse in a letter. Then read it to your spouse over a romantic dinner.

You could purchase special wooden boxes for your love letters. Or, record them in individual journals as a lasting reminder to your legacy of your love for one another.

If you’re not sure how to begin writing your letter, read “Tips for Writing a Notable Love Letter.”

5. Go on overnight getaways—without the kids. The possibilities are endless. Many state parks have great campsites and beautiful lodges. Staying at a nearby bed and breakfast can be a real treat. Also, hotels often have special weekend getaway packages.

Bill and Carolyn Wellons have written a getaway guide for couples titled, Getting Away to Get It Together. After being married for 10 years, they discovered a secret that re-energizes their relationship—regular getaways. “We may relax at a friend’s lake house, camp at a state park, or book a resort condominium in the off-season,” Bill explains. “God has continued to teach us to step off life’s treadmill and examine the health of our relationship. When we evaluate where we are heading, we reap a fabulous return on investment.”

6. Set aside regular time to talk with one another—without any distractions. Make time to focus on one another and talk about the day’s events. When our children were young, my husband and I tried to visit together for 10-15 minutes before dinner each evening—just the two of us. You and your spouse may want to do this after the kids go to bed. The important thing is to share heart-to-heart and face-to-face.

If the kids are in school, you may want to have lunch together once a week. Put it on the calendar and make definite appointments. I read about a pastor who did this for years. He had a standing invitation for lunch one day a week that could not be broken—lunch with his wife.

7. Read a book together and discuss it over coffee at a local coffeehouse or bookstore. Take turns choosing the books. If a movie has been made out of the book, read and discuss it together and then watch the movie. Compare the book to the movie.

8. Be accountable to one another. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 tells us, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.”

You may want to ask your spouse to keep you accountable in a certain area. For example, I have a habit of over-committing myself and having way too many things on the to-do list. My husband is great about bringing me back to earth and helping me establish a more balanced schedule.

Being accountable to our spouse requires one-on-one time—whether it’s over coffee in the morning or evaluating a to-do list together in the afternoon.

“Accountability gives each marriage partner freedom and access to the other,” Dennis Rainey writes. He adds that it means asking for advice and gives a spouse the freedom to share honest observations. “It means we're teachable and approachable. We both need to be accountable to the other because each partner is fallible and quite capable of using faulty judgment.”

9. Pray together. When we regularly pray with our spouse, our souls and hearts are uniquely knit together. Sadly, we’ll forget many of the ways God answers our prayers unless we write them down.

You may want to record how God answers your prayers in a notebook. Once or so a year, go on an overnight getaway with your spouse and review it together. Spend some time thanking the Lord for all He has done.

10. Tune-up your marriage at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. Attending a Weekend to Remember will help you get away from the distractions of life and focus on one another.