To the Pastors of the TikTok Generation

 January 19, 2022

By Brea Perry

Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with great patience and instruction. - 2 Timothy 4:2

By now, you’ve probably encountered the infamous video of Pastor Mike Todd of Transformation Church in Tulsa, OK. No, not that one, the other one. No, no, no, even more recent than that. There you go, THAT one.

I could sit here and break down bar for bar what made Pastor Todd’s sermon illustration so absurd that all of Christian Twitter assembled like the Sanctified Avengers to clown him, but there are people with far more theological eloquence that are better suited for that task.

We could discuss how spiritually abusive it is for a pastor to humiliate a person by smearing his saliva in their face–NOT to heal a blind man of his affliction and expose the ills of a society that treats disabled folks as disposable, as Jesus did–but to illustrate a point that had little to do with the text he was deploying. (Yes, the person with spit all over their face is Mike Todd’s biological brother. No, it doesn’t change anything about what he did. This also is not the first time he’s done this “illustration.”)

We could talk about how this is not the first time that Todd’s pulpit antics have led to widespread criticism or that he has been accused of perpetuating egregious harms from the pulpit.

But I’m not here to talk about him at all really. Mike Todd is but a cog in the well-oiled machine of making excuses for the sake of power. I’m not in the business of zeroing in on individuals when there are entire power structures to rebuke and tear down.

Every few years, older church folks gather to coalition-build and tackle the task of “getting these young folks back in church.” They told the 20-year-olds of the 90s/early 2000s that “gospel music has gone too far” when Kirk Franklin came out with Stomp and Revolution. But eventually, they conceded and added reformed Christian hip-hop to the mix because at least they got ‘em talking about Jesus instead of drugs, right?

More recently, “getting these young folks back in church” has consisted of pandering to 20-year-olds via smoke machines, gigantic billboard screens, and pastors stomping around in Bred 11’s and tailored plaid suits, quoting Tik-Toks, and performing goofy skits to make weak sermon points. 

I’d be lying if I said it never worked. There are folks out there who are more than willing to dedicate 10% of their paycheck every month to make sure their church is equipped with the best purple spotlights and handheld microphones that money can buy.

Sometimes the “cool church” aesthetic becomes smoke and mirrors that distract churchgoers from the decontextualized scripture passages coming from the pulpit. There’s only so much that the best musicians and a charismatic preacher wearing the latest Forces can do for a young person seeking answers to their deep theological wrestlings. There are only so many vapid spiritual platitudes that church leaders can give before we start to see through the ruse.

To the pastors of the TikTok Generation: 

Where do we go when we hunger for a gospel that is undebased by hot takes and corny cliches? 

Who is Jesus when you are not parading him around as the mascot for consumerism? 

Do you have a point to make when you’re not performing for our likes, comments, and shares to prove to your publishers that we’ll buy the book you’re proposing?

What’s left of the good news when misogynistic fear-mongering has started to bore us because we’ve been hearing the same ‘ole tune since we were first made aware of our bodies? Do you have a stronger antidote to a culture that reduces women to the sum of our body parts than deploying the same attitudes in the pulpit and throwing some Holy Ghost shame on it for extra seasoning?

Is there healing available for those who have come to see that what passed as faith for all of their natural life was really spiritual abuse at the hands of narcissistic leaders?

How do we contend with a sacred text that has provided the fuel for every egregious act of violence under the sun, from colonialism to chattel slavery to domestic abuse to upholding structures designed to keep people in poverty?

Is there a good God under all of that somewhere?

Our rejection of the institutional church has led some saints to believe we’ve given up on Jesus. We’re not leaving Jesus. We’re leaving misogyny masquerading as mission, capitalism claiming to be calling, and narcissism naming itself fresh revelation. 

Many of us would happily go back to the hymns and the pews if space to wrestle through the questions that have been cast aside as “off-limits” came with it and the space for spiritual abuse was left out. But we are past the point of sticking around while pastors obey their own whims, slap the name of Jesus on it, and dare us to question their authority to do so.

There has to be more to [church] than clout-chasing and viral sermon clips. 

Source: https://thewitnessbcc.com/to-the-pastors-of-the-tiktok-generation/

I’m a Bad Pastor: And Why I Think it’s Worth Saying So!

by Anthony Moore

       As this post is re-published from the author's brilliant contemplations, I want to invoke all of 1 Corinthians 13. He is now a former pastor, primarily due to succumbing to the enormous burden of pastoring. The greatest caution I have been given repeatedly is the fact that once a man and his family enter or begin pulpit ministry, their life is pretty much public. Privacy is no longer a premium in ministry as there are many people in the flock who need your attention and counsel. Not only are there people who need you but people waiting for you to fail, both inside and outside the fellowship. No longer is my life about me. Well, Anthony Moore has great advice for that. Again and again many pastors who have served for over four decades offer such calming advice, all based around the theological pillar of grace. We in the church only get to enjoy a very special grace through faith in Jesus Christ. Treasure troves are deposited into a Christian's life at salvation and grace is one of those fortunes we now possess through inheritance (Ephesians 1:3-14).

___________________________

"Thirteen years have passed since our 35-1 National Championship run. Much has taken place since those glory days. For starters, I married a hall of famer, Natasha Neal, and together we have three beautiful boys: Marcus, Titus, and Malachi. Then, with great impact to my athletic figure, I exchanged my basketball shorts for a bible and a pulpit. Very few people know me now as an athlete anymore and most, if not all, value me pastorally navigating a difficult situation more than they do me navigating a particular defense. Still, pastoring and being an athlete have a lot in common, and in at least one way you might not have considered. Both being a pastor and an athlete come with public praise and scrutiny. Both require great discipline and perseverance. And, in both disciplines, those in attendance tend to overlook the amount of work invested in what’s being executed. Also, a successful pastor and a successful athlete should have in common a real understanding of one’s weaknesses. It’s this last point that I wish to consider just for a moment in light of pastoral ministry.

Human Perfection is an Allusion

In pastoring, and I would say the Christian life in general, there’s always the temptation to project an image of oneself that’s more adept and polished than what is actualized. Yet, faulty presentations of self are never lasting. When the athlete pretends to be better than he or she is, exposure is ushered in on the tides of failure and defeat. For the pastor, however, the greatest danger is not the loss of a game but rather every step toward achieving a polished look is a step toward deconstructing the portrait of grace in one’s life. Think about it for a moment: If the leaders we are to emulate in the church are perfect, in what sense are they, the leaders, able to point to the truth found in Scripture that Christ Jesus came to save sinners? It’s in light of this truth that I gladly make this confession—I’m a bad pastor! Here are three reasons why:

I’m Sinful

First, I’m sinful. I’m not the Good Shepherd in John 10. Jesus is. I sin daily and have to repent of things like anger, pride, and anxiety to my friends, family, and you the congregation. This is not a ploy or cute literary device. It’s the reality of the situation. When the Lord pronounces judgment on the counterfeit shepherds in Ezekiel 34, the operative question becomes, “Who, then, will shepherd God’s people?” The Lord answers that question with over fifteen references to Himself in one chapter as the one who will shepherd His people. Is that clear enough?! Of course, we know that Jesus is the means by which God indeed becomes the great Shepherd of His people. Why does that matter? It matters because Jesus is the great and perfect Shepherd of His people so I don’t have to be. I don’t have to be perfect and coming to grips with that is key. For example, the athlete who never acknowledges weaknesses will make light of the strength of his teammates and, therefore, fail to understand his need to lean on them when it’s needed most. So, too, the pastor must learn to acknowledge his weaknesses and utter dependency on Christ and His Word. That’s done by exposing weaknesses and painting big and beautiful portraits of the truth of the Gospel: God saves and uses sinners for His glory!

I’m Young

Second, I’m young. Don’t get me wrong, I’m competent. Or, at least I’ve thought intentionally about pastoring for 10 years (2 degrees at a seminary and an internship). My point is, I have so much to learn. I’m still a kid at heart. I’m still learning and still growing and trying desperately not to make childish mistakes. I have been through so much in my life and yet I feel like a pup. As a pastor, it’s my unwillingness to come to grips with my youthfulness that causes me to fail to give myself permission to grow. I want to be the pastor now that I will be in 15 years, Lord willing. That’s a high ambition with lofty expectations. If I make peace with that mentality, then I’ll quickly become heavy laden with despair. And one bad sermon or a botched counseling case or disappointed member will send me into a tail spin. That’s a very precarious place for a pastor, especially when the King of Kings and Lord of Lords has promised to build his church regardless of my carefully crafted illustration or ability to bring gospel truth to a situation. Related to the previous point, God is calling shepherds to demonstrate gospel growth to our congregation, not perfection.

I Can Be Hurt

Finally, I can be hurt! My greatest strength is that I love people. I really do. I invest in relationships and want them to be deep and authentic. Yet, like most people, my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. My identity in Christ should free me up to truly love people. But, often times my identity can be more informed by people’s perception of how I’m caring for them than by my status in Christ. In those moments, it may not seem like it but I’m overcome by pride. I’m caring for people as a means of making much of myself. The world, my relationships, and God himself exists to serve me and difficulty comes when they don’t make much of me as I think they should. What does that mean? It means that I’m a sinner and have a propensity to commit sins, even sins against those I’m charged to shepherd. Often times my first response when confronted with my sin is to retreat. It helps me protect myself and provides me with a way around pain. Yet, that response is inconsistent with how my savior willingly gave His life for me. I should confess the opposite of perfection, I’m a sinner and I need Him more and more each day.

Christ’s Perfection is Real

I remembered sharing my struggles with an older pastor whom I respect and love and he responded and said, “Man, why are you in ministry again?” Seems harsh, but I think his words were needed. The weaknesses I have (and any weaknesses that could be stated) make me the least likely candidate to pastor. But herein lies the point: “God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God” (1 Cor 27-29). The point, Paul concludes, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.” Hence, if there is one compelling reason why I’m fit to pastor here at this church it is because I truly trust the power of the Spirit and the word of God to build His church––not my ability to craft sermons, not my personality, and certainly not my ability to be perfect. I trust Christ and the power of His Word. So, I have no problem admitting how and why I’m a bad pastor. If you’re a pastor or serve in a leadership position in your church, I would suggest you write a similar letter to your people. Try starting with something like this, “I’m a bad pastor and here’s why!” 

Source: http://thefrontporch.org/2015/08/im-a-bad-pastor-and-why-i-think-its-worth-saying-so/

Beer and Christianity

I won't say much (by way of introduction) about this well thought out argument written by Barry Cameron of Crossroads Christian Church. He forces us as Christians to think more critically about consuming alcohol; and he helps us consider the more important question, "Should we consume alcohol?" It seems the question has always been, "Can we drink alcohol?" Well, sure we can but should we? When we do so, how does it impact our witness? Does enjoying a beer impact our witness? Well, here we go:

CAN A CHRISTIAN DRINK ALCOHOL?

By Barry Cameron

September 19, 2012

On Monday night, news broke that Olympic gold medalist snowboarder, Shaun White, had been charged with vandalism and public intoxication. On my Facebook wall, I posted the following comment: “This just in . . . and the gold medal for character enhancement, once again, goes to alcohol.”

For years, well-meaning, sincere Christians have debated the subject of drinking. Let me be clear by saying there isn’t a single verse in the Bible that says a Christian cannot have a drink; although the Bible clearly warns about the destructive and addictive nature of alcohol (Proverbs 20:1; 21:17; 23:29-35; Ephesians 5:18) and is very clear that drunkenness is always wrong (Romans 13:13; Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Peter 4:3; Habakkuk 2:15; 1 Corinthians 5:11).

The Bible is also clear that mature Christians should avoid causing others to stumble by drinking (Romans 14:21), and that leaders ought to avoid drinking alcohol (Proverbs 31:4-7) and cannot be given to drunkenness (1 Timothy 3:3, 8 Titus 1:7.)

I have yet to hear from anyone who drinks how alcohol enhances anything or blesses anyone. Max Lucado said, “One thing for sure, I have never heard anyone say, ‘A beer makes me feel more Christlike . . . Fact of the matter is this: People don’t associate beer with Christian behavior.”1 I’ve yet to see how it improves someone’s testimony or makes anyone a more effective witness for Christ. Quite the contrary, like Shaun White mentioned above, or Richard Roberts, Oral Roberts’ son, who was arrested in Tulsa, Oklahoma, driving under the influence, the result doesn’t enhance your testimony. Rather, it takes away from what testimony you had.

Recently, a friend of mine, former mega-church Pastor, John Caldwell, wrote an article in Christian Standard magazine called To Drink or Not to Drink? Here’s the link to his article. John’s article explained why he has personally abstained from drinking alcohol and dealt with the bigger issue of the contemporary church becoming more and more like the world.

Not surprisingly, a number of people responded to John’s article and some called him to task for taking such a strong stand against drinking. In response to the responses, my good friend, Ken Idleman, former President of Ozark Christian College and now Pastor of Crossroads Christian Church in Evansville, IN, wrote these words, which are among the very best I’ve ever read on this issue. I asked Ken for his permission to share them here.

“Okay, I am conscience bound to weigh in on this one…. For a minute, forget about making a definitive case for or against ‘drinking’ from the Bible. Here’s the truth from logic and real life. No one starts out to be an alcoholic. Everyone begins with a defensive attitude saying, ‘I’m just a social drinker and there is nothing wrong with it!’ no one says, ‘It is my ambition that someday I want to lose my job, my health, my self-respect, my marriage and my family. Someday I want to be dependent on alcohol to get through my day.’ yet, this is the destination at which several millions of people have arrived. Why do you suppose that is? It is because alcohol is promoted and elevated as a normal/sophisticated activity in life…. It is also expensive, addictive and enslaving. People get hooked by America’s number one legal drug. And just like all illegal drugs, alcohol finds it way into the body, the bloodstream and the brain of the user/abuser.

I had two uncles whose lives were wrecked by alcohol. The exception you say? Hardly. It is not what they wanted when they dreamed of their futures when they were in their 20s. Praise God, they were wonderfully delivered in their 60s when the grace of God became real to them. And can you imagine it?…. They got their lives back by becoming total abstainers by the power of the Holy Spirit!

One of my most memorable conversations in the state penitentiary in Jefferson City, MO, was with a young man facing a 28-year prison sentence for the brutal sexual assault of his own 8-year old daughter. I will never forget the image. The tears literally ran off his chin and splashed on his shoes as he gushed, ‘I guess I did it. I don’t know. I was drunk at the time.’

Listen, some of those who are defensive in response to Dr. Caldwell’s thoughtful and courageous article will want to revise their text if, in a few years, they discover that they were able to handle their drinking just fine, but their son or daughter could not. Answer honestly. Could you live with the knowledge that your dangerous exercise of Christian liberty factored into your children’s ruin? Or, if your loved one is killed some day in a head on collision by a driver under the influence who crossed the center line, will you still be defensive of drinking?

A good friend during my growing up years was the only child of social drinking parents. When his folks were away, he would go to the rathskeller [German for tavern] in the basement where he developed a taste for alcohol. I won’t bore you with the details. He is 65 today. A broken life, broken health, broken marriages, a broken relationship with his only son, a broken relationship with his only grandchild, a broken career and a broken spirit that…. Tragically…. He tries daily to medicate with the alcohol that led him to this tragic destination.

Hey, thanks for indulging my rant. Like my friend John Caldwell, I confess to setting the bar high for Christian leadership [especially] when it comes to aesthetic holiness. Call me a ‘right-wing fundamentalist.’ Call me a ‘throw back to the days of the tent evangelists.’ Call me a ‘simpleton.’ Call me a ‘minimalist.’ but, if you do, go ahead and also call me a ‘watchman on the wall’ where the welfare of my family [children, in-laws, grandchildren] and my church family is concerned.”2

Personally, I’ve yet to have my first beer and have no desire to start now or to drink alcohol of any kind. At the same time, I don’t judge those who believe they have freedom in Christ to drink. But when asked, I always tell people I don’t believe it’s the best choice.

The bottom line is this: the question really isn’t CAN A CHRISTIAN DRINK? Rather, it is:SHOULD A CHRISTIAN DRINK?

© 2012. Barry L. Cameron

1 David Faust, Voices From The Hill, (Cincinnati, OH: Cincinnati Bible College & Seminary, 2003) 252.

2 John Caldwell, “To Drink or Not to Drink,” Christian Standard 11 August 2012, 18 September 2012.

Source: http://www.crossroadschristian.org/blogs/blog/12806077-can-a-christian-drink-alcohol#.U3Vx7j-xy1r.facebook

The Conviction To Lead Part 2

by Albert Mohler

Al Mohler discusses the release of his book, The Conviction To Lead.  Though 'yet another book on leadership,' this is a deep, fresh, and timely look at the spiritual, super-natural convictions and resolves of the spiritual leader.

Source:  http://vimeo.com/54291715
Available on Amazon

The Conviction To Lead Part 1

by Albert Mohler


Al Mohler discusses the release of his book, The Conviction To Lead.  Though 'yet another book on leadership,' this is a deep, fresh, and timely look at the spiritual, super-natural convictions and resolves of the spiritual leader.

Source:  http://vimeo.com/54289546
Available on Amazon

7 Negative Effects of Porn by BJ Stockman

7 Negative Effects of Porn
BJ Stockman » Worldviews Body Mind Sin Culture



This is a rather frank post on porn, so proceed, or not, with that in mind.

Porn is a problem. It's a personal problem for many and a cultural problem for all. You may think you have not been affected by porn, but you have because it's embedded in the surrounding culture. The staggering size of the pornography industry, its influence upon the media and the acceleration of technology, paired with the accessibility, anonymity, and affordability of porn all contribute to its increasing impact upon the culture.

Pornography affects you whether you’ve ever viewed it or not, and it is helpful to understand some of its negative effects, whether you are a man or woman, struggling with watching it, or simply a mom or dad with a son or daughter. There is a plethora of research on the detrimental effects of pornography (and I do not think that what follows are necessarily the worst of them), but here are seven negative effects of porn upon men and women:

1. Porn Contributes to Social and Psychological Problems Within Men
Anti-pornography activist, Gail Dines, notes that young men who become addicted to porn, “neglect their schoolwork, spend huge amounts of money they don’t have, become isolated from others, and often suffer depression.” (Pornland, 93). Dr. William Struthers, who has a PhD in biopsychology from the University of Illinois at Chicago, confirms some of these and adds more, finding that men who use porn become controlling, highly introverted, have high anxiety, narcissistic, curious, have low self-esteem, depressed, dissociative, distractible (Wired for Intimacy, 64-65). Ironically, while viewing porn creates momentary intensely pleasurable experiences, it ends up leading to several negative lingering psychological experiences.

2. Porn Rewires the Male Brain
Struthers elaborates,

As men fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on [pornographic images], the exposure to them creates neural pathways. Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed. Over time these neural paths become wider as they are repeatedly traveled with each exposure to pornography. They become the automatic pathway through which interactions with woman are routed….They have unknowingly created a neurological circuit that imprisons their ability to see women rightly as created in God’s image (Wired For Intimacy, 85).
In a similar vein regarding porn’s effect upon the brain, Naomi Wolf writes in her article, "The Porn Myth,"

After all, pornography works in the most basic of ways on the brain: It is Pavlovian. An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on; if you open your focus to an endless stream of ever-more-transgressive images of cybersex slaves, that is what it will take to turn you on. The ubiquity of sexual images does not free eros but dilutes it.

3. Porn Turns Sex Into Masturbation
Sex becomes self-serving. It becomes about your pleasure and not the self-giving, mutually reciprocating intimacy that it was designed for.

4. Porn Demeans and Objectifies Women
This occurs from hard-core to soft-core pornography. Pamela Paul, in her book Pornified, quoting the research of one psychologist who has researched pornography at Texas A&M, writes,

‘Softcore pornography has a very negative effect on men as well. The problem with softcore pornography is that it’s voyeurism teaches men to view women as objects rather than to be in relationships with women as human beings.’ According to Brooks, pornography gives men the false impression that sex and pleasure are entirely divorced from relatoinships. In other words, pornography is inherently self-centered–something a man does by himself, for himself–by using another women as the means to pleasure, as yet another product to consume (80).
Paul references one experiment that revealed a rather shocking further effect of porn: “men and women who were exposed to large amounts of pornography were significantly less likely to want daughters than those who had none. Who would want their own little girl to be treated that way?” (80).

“It becomes about your pleasure and not the self-giving, mutually reciprocating intimacy that it was designed for.”

Again, it needs to be emphasized, that this is not an effect that only rests upon those who have viewed porn. The massive consumption of porn and the the size of the porn industry has hypersexualized the entire culture. Men and women are born into a pornified culture, and women are the biggest losers. Dines continues,

By inundating girls and women with the message that their most worthy attribute is their sexual hotness and crowding out other messages, pop culture is grooming them just like an individual perpetrator would. It is slowly chipping away at their self-esteem, stripping them of a sense of themselves as whole human beings, and providing them with an identity that emphasizes sex and de-emphasizes every other human attribute (Pornland, 118).

5. Porn Squashes the Beauty of a Real Naked Woman
Wolf, in her own blunt way, confirms this,

For most of human history, the erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn (Quoted in Wired for Intimacy, 38).

6. Porn Has a Numbing Effect Upon Reality
It makes real sex and even the real world boring in comparison. It particularly anesthetizes the emotional life of a man. Paul comments,

Pornography leaves men desensitivzed to both outrage and to excitement, leading to an overall diminishment of feeling and eventually to dissatisfaction with the emotional tugs of everyday life…Eventually they are left with a confusing mix of supersized expectations about sex and numbed emotions about women…When a man gets bored with pornography, both his fantasy and real worlds become imbued with indifference. The real world often gets really boring…” (Pornified, 90, 91).

7. Porn Lies About What it Means to be Male and Female
Dines records how porn tells a false story about men and women. In the story of porn, women are “one-dimensional”–they never say no, never get pregnant, and can’t wait to have sex with any man and please them in whatever way imaginable (or even unimaginable). On the other hand, the story porn tells about men is that they are “soulless, unfeeling, amoral life-support systems for erect penises who are entitled to use women in any way they want. These men demonstrated zero empathy, respect, or love for the women they have sex with…(Pornland, xxiv).”

How To Honor Your Wife by Mark Driscoll

This post was adapted from TheResurgence.com website and adapted from the Marriage & Men sermon and edited by the Mars Hill Blog

Now, my tone is for the men. We speak to men differently than women. Were this a women’s conference, I would not call you all idiots and imbeciles and fools, that you’re a joke, okay? But you men, this is where it needs to go. You’ve been glad-handed and buddied up and positive thinking and you’re a winner and Jesus loves you and you can do better. And I’m telling you, you’re a joke. And the real men in the room know it and they see it. And maybe there’s one woman that you fooled and she doesn’t see it because like Eve, she’s deceived.

Show Honor to Your Wife
Here’s what Peter has to say In 1 Peter 3:7:

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayer may not be hindered.
In the previous verse, 1 Peter 3:6, he said that women, when it comes to marriage are prone toward, what? Fear. Fear. And you know what? Those fears that the women have about marriage are legitimate.

Your Wife Trusts You with the Rest of Her Life
If a woman marries a man, she’s trusting him with the rest of her life that he won’t hit her, cheat on her, that he’ll work hard, that he’ll pay the bills, that he’ll love their children, that he’ll finish the race well, that he’ll walk with Jesus until the end, that if she gets sick, he’ll look after her, that if she is dying, he will be faithful to her. Gentlemen, it is a terrifying thing for a woman to trust a sinful man.

“Every man who reads this, even the best men among us, has areas of repentance and growth that are required.”

As a man, I don’t think I fully understood this until I had daughters, and now I have some understanding of that fear. The thought of taking one of my daughters and walking them down the aisle and handing them to a man and trusting that he will love them and protect them and serve them and care for them and look after them, it causes me fear and grave concern.

Don't Give Women a Reason to Fear
Women have legitimate fears, and what Peter is saying is that men need to be a particular way so those fears are alleviated. And I love his words, “in an understanding way, showing honor.” That’s a man.

Now as I say this, many of you guys will nod your head and say, “Yeah, that’s me.”

No, you’re not. So let me practically unpack this for you. Every man who reads this, even the best men among us, has areas of repentance and growth that are required. And so I want to talk to you men about some things that your woman will fear.

1. Honor Your Wife Maritally
What this means is, gentlemen, you’re not looking for a girlfriend if you are single. You’re not looking for a roommate. You’re not looking for a cohabitation partner. You’re looking for a wife. You must honor her while dating, that is when you're on your best behavior. I don’t care if you apologize, do you repent and lead? Being sorry is not enough; being Christ-like is what is necessary.

Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Are you selfless or selfish? Do you give yourself up for her or do you take from her?

What it is to be a one-woman man
When you get married, men, you are to be a one-woman man. That’s the requirement of an elder and that is the example for all men.

You’re not the flirt guy
You’re not the female buddies guy
You’re not the download porn guy
You’re not the “I got another gal on the side I always keep in case of emergency” guy
You’re not the wandering eye guy
If you are, you’re not honoring marriage and you’re not honoring your wife.

Don't make women fearful of men
I know some complete fools, they like to take their wedding ring off when they go out to the sports bar with the boys. Do you honor your marriage covenant? Do you take responsibility as the head of the marriage covenant, take responsibility for the well-being of the woman?

A woman has great fear. If you don’t honor marriage, she is statistically going to go into poverty upon divorce. She will become yet another single mother. She’ll have to find a way to explain to the children of why they shouldn’t be embittered against you even though you’re a loser. See, these fears are very legitimate. Women have seen this so many times that they’re fearful of men.

2. Honor Her Physically
Peter says that the woman is the “weaker vessel”. What that means is, generally speaking, if a husband and a wife get in a fist-fight, he’ll win. I’ll give you an example. Many of you have seen my wife, Grace. If we get in a fight, it’s not a fair fight. I have an 18-inch neck, she has an 18-inch waist. If someone breaks into our home, I’m not, “Go get ‘em, baby. You’re the tough one here. I’ll pray. II’ll pray imprecatory prayers in the closet.”

You know what, gentlemen? You are stronger than your woman
Do you ever hit her?
Do you ever shove her?
Do you ever push her?
Do you ever grab her, restrain her?
Do you ever raise a hand and threaten her?
Do you ever intimidate her with physical violence?
Do you give her that look, that pierced, glazed, violent, angry, don’t-push-it-now’s-a-good-time-to-shut-up look?
Do you tell her, “I’m getting very angry, you should just shut up right now. It’s gonna go bad for you”?
Do you get right in her face?
Do you intimidate her with your presence?
Shame on you. A man who picks on a woman, what a joke.

Have you ever forced yourself on a woman? You’re a rapist.

You’ll say, “She’s my wife.” You’re a rapist.

Don't hold your wife prisoner
When someone is attacked, we call it abuse. As horrible as that is, what is even worse is torment. Torment is when you’re abused and you can’t get out. This is like prisoners of war and those who are held captive in slavery. For some women, their version of slavery and captivity and torment is called marriage. Their husband is physically intimidating. She’s afraid of him. She can’t leave, at least that’s what she thinks. She feels stuck, particularly if she’s got children. Some of you guys are tormentors and abusers and rapists and husbands and Christians, and that is absolutely inexcusable.

Women, a man who hits you is in sin
Most men don’t walk around thinking about their personal safety. I know a lot of women who do. Does she feel safe with you? Ladies, if you’re dating a guy who has ever been physically violent, run for your life, run for your children’s life, run for your grandchildren’s life. If he’s ever even threatened you with violence, there is something profoundly demonic in that man. There is something sincerely wrong in that man. He will then apologize, tell you he is sorry. He will shed a few tears, say it will never happen again and he will subtly shift the blame to you. “You know when you do that, it just makes me really angry. Don’t do that again.”

“Oh, okay, it must be my fault.” It’s never your fault. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, if a man hits you, harms you, he’s in sin, no excuse.

Head-of-the-house does not mean bully
And there are some guys, some absolute block-headed idiots who think when the Bible says that you’re the head of the home, that it means you get to be the bully. There’s nothing uglier than a guy who then takes this same disposition toward his children, especially his daughters. The grossest, vilest thing is a man who hits a woman, and the man who hits a woman is willing to hit his own daughter. It’s disgusting.

3. Honor Your Wife Emotionally
Some of you say, “I’m not emotional, I don’t connect.” You should. Men and women have the same emotions; they express them in masculine and feminine ways. Your wife needs intimacy. She wants you to know her. She wants to know you. She wants you to open up. She wants you to be passionate and loving and honest, and she wants to know you and she wants to be known by you. And the Bible says that Adam was with his wife, Eve, and he, what?

He knew her.

There are too many guys that turn marriage into a job description. He does his responsibility, she does hers, and there’s no emotional connection whatsoever. Those are guys whose sins are sins of omission. “I didn’t hit her, I didn’t yell at her.” Yeah, but you didn’t love her. You didn’t connect with her. You didn’t encourage her. You didn’t pursue her.

Ultimately, you failed her.

4. Honor Her Verbally
How do you speak to her? Do you have nasty nicknames for her? Do you raise your voice? Do you threaten her? Do you give back-handed comments? Some of you guys would say, “I would never hit a woman.” How about with your tongue?

When you wife is not there and you’re with the boys, how do you speak of her? What do you say about her?

Dont' put your children in the middle
You know what? Your children will pick this up as well.

You start saying horrible things about your wife, and the children will be left in this horrible position of choosing between their mother and father and invariably some of the children will despise their own mother and speak evil of her in an effort to remain loyal to their father.

A division in a marriage includes the children, they’re stuck in the middle. They’re casualties of the war.

If I close my eyes, no one can see me
You men could defuse this and take away this fear by honoring her verbally. Speaking honestly, respectfully, lovingly to her and about her. Some of you guys forget. You say, “Well, Jesus isn’t there. My wife isn’t there. I get to say whatever I want.” No, Jesus is there even when your wife’s not there. God sees everything. God knows everything, and you’re not getting away with anything.

5. Honor Your Wife Financially
“If a man does not provide for the needs of his family, he’s denied the faith and worse than an unbeliever” (1 Timothy 5:8).

In Genesis, the woman’s curse was her children and submitting to her husband. The man’s curse was providing for his family. And what the weakest, most impish, worthless men among us do is, “Oh, my load is heavy. I know yours is heavy, but I need you to carry half of mine too.”

Men, you have to work
You've got to work hard. You’ve got to out-work the other men if you want to feed your family. That’s your responsibility as a man. If you want any men to respect you, if you want your wife to respect you, if you want your children to respect you, you pay the bills. You make the money, you feed the family.

We live in this day where there are guys telling their wives,

“Hey, birth control, abortion”
“We can’t have kids”
“You make too much money”
“I don’t like responsibility.”
Shame on you.

Your wife has a maternal duty to fulfill
There’s nothing sadder than a woman who loves Jesus and wants to be a mom, and the husband keeps saying, “I’m the head of the home, no.” What he’s saying is “I’m in charge and I command you to sin, to deny all of your maternal instincts." Titus 2 says, “The woman should be homeward in her orientation.”

“We’re a culture that is working hard to protect women and children, and no one has the common sense to beat on the guys who are the cause of so much of the pain.”

And I know that some of you guys are going to say, “Oh, but this is outdated.” Yes, and I would say look at the condition of marriages and families in our culture and ask if it’s working.

The latest statistics indicate 40 percent of all children are born out of wedlock. It is now at the point where women aren’t even pretending they’re going to ever get married.

They go to college, get a good job, get pregnant, have a kid. They’ve lost any hope of ever finding a guy who can actually carry the load, and that’s tragic. We’re a culture that is working hard to protect women and children, and no one has the common sense to beat on the guys who are the cause of so much of the pain.

Be generous with your wife
I know guys as well, they’re not generous. I know one guy, he’s such an idiot. This guy makes decent money and he’s totally chintzy with his wife. She gets no spending money, can’t go out to coffee with the girls because he’s a total control freak and tightwad. Be honoring of your wife financially. I’m not saying you have to live at a lavish and high level. But what I am saying is live within your means, you make a budget, you tithe, spend, save, invest well. I know it’s hard to live on one income. I know it’s particularly difficult in this economic climate, but for some of you boys, it’s a built-in excuse to be irresponsible.

Run the numbers rather assuming you need a second income
Statistically, if you have children, and put them in day care so mom can work, the other costs that are associated: eating out, take-out, dry cleaning, car, second phone, cell phone, things of that nature, plus the increased tax breaks and costs and burdens very rarely contribute anything to the bottom line of the family. The taxes alone eat a huge portion of it.

MSNBC did a big study on this years ago and they brought the data to the mothers who dropped their kids off at the day care. “You’re providing nothing to the income of the family,” and the women are bawling, having a nervous breakdown on television, saying, “Well, then why am I even going to work?”

Because that guy doesn’t know how to run numbers on taxes. He’s not smart enough to find somebody to figure it out for him. He just says, “Put the kids in day care, get a job, shoulder half of my curse. Oh and by the way, I forgot to run the numbers, come to find it’s not really helping.”

Honor her financially.

6. Honor Her Practically
With some guys, the house is a wreck. It’s never finished, the furniture’s broken, the car hardly starts, they live far away from community, they don’t have a schedule, they don’t have a budget, they don’t have a plan, the wife doesn’t know what’s going on.

Honor her practically. Do you have a budget? Do you have a schedule? Do you have an integrated plan? Do you have a life?

7. Honor Her Parentally
Gentlemen, your wife wants you to love the kids. She wants you to help raise them. She wants you to love them, to pursue them. She wants you to get guy time with your sons. She wants you to get daddy dates with your daughters. She wants you to do Ephesians 6 and be their pastor. She wants you to read the Bible with them. She wants you to pray with them. And you know what? You should want that too.

Do your job
So many guys who are Christians think “I pay for Christian school, I send the wife and kids to the Christian church. I’ve done my Christian duty.” No, you’ve abdicated your responsibility to others. It’s your job to love your kids. It’s your job to pray with your kids. It’s your job to teach the Bible to your kids. It’s your job to encourage your kids. It’s your job to discipline your kids.

“Christian, husband, father, employee. Those are your first four duties; it’ll take most of your life. You’re not going to have a lot of time.”

A wife will be so forgiving of so many things if she actually knows her husband desperately loves their children, that he serves them, that he cares for them, that he’s tender with them, that he’s Pastor Dad for them. So few children actually have a father. So few of those actually have a Christian father and how few of those actually have a dad who’s doing his job.

And I’ll tell you what, guys, this is not something you have to do; it’s something you get to do.

This is wonderful. Every night, my daughter Alexie, blond hair, blue eyes and looks like Tinkerbell says, “Poppa Daddy, I need a piggyback ride and a Bible story.” You know what? I do too. I need that as much as Alexie. I weep thinking of the day that I’m not going to be giving her piggyback rides, so I give her as many piggyback rides as I can because it’s a great season and a wonderful opportunity.

Honor your priorities
What this means, gentlemen, is your priorities will be Christian, husband, father, employee. Those are your first four duties; it’ll take most of your life. You’re not gonna have a lot of time. You're probably gonna need to put down your tools, your hobbies, your car, your projects, your golf clubs, your Xbox and probably going to need to put down the remote control, and your laptop, and your [technological product] to honor your wife parentally. You’re not going to have a lot of time for a lot of other things.

Gentlemen, your goal is not to stand before God and tell him what level you got to on “World of Warcraft”.

8. Honor Her Spiritually
All of this comes down to this point.

There are between 11 and 13 million more Christian women than men. Many women go to church on their own. They have to drag their husband to church, they drag their children to church. It is your job, men, to lead spiritually. You pray with the family. You read the Bible with the family. You pick a good church, become a member of it, submit to it. You pick the community group or midweek class you will be in. You are the one to lead the family spiritually.

Start with a prayer
Some guys say, “Well, I don’t know what to do.” Just start by praying with your wife. There are women who will read this sermon and deep down in their heart, this is what they want the most, “If my husband would just pray with me.”

There are some of you guys, you pray with all kinds of people, you don’t pray with your wife. Do you pray with your wife? Do you pray with your kids? Do you read the Bible with your wife? Do you talk about Jesus with your wife? Do you talk about Jesus with your kids?

Leading spiritually is the foundation of everything else.

Link to article: https://theresurgence.com/2011/06/01/how-to-honor-your-wife